"EtG seeks eligible, semite-friendly lady." :P

Since last week’s post, I received a lot of emails from readers who were surprised to learn that I was a fan of “The Hills.” Actually, that’s a lie. I received not a single email. In fact, I seldom receive emails or comments from “fans.” On the occasions that I do, I proudly display them on my posts for all to see, like placing my child’s “A+” essay on Benjamin Franklin’s wild whorish ways on my refrigerator. As I am unable to see my lone - albeit illegitimate - child, Rodrigo Hayek-the Gentleman, or his homework, I have yet to experience the alleged pride one feels when placing his boy’s paper between a magnet and a fridge. I thank those readers who do leave comments for giving me the honor of receiving them.

But I did receive an email from a Mr. I Ziering, who writes:
“Dearest EtG, I was curious to hear your thoughts on how dramatic a Gentleman could decorate his bedroom without appearing to be a sleazy knob?”

My response:

Your bedroom mustn’t be too dramatic in decoration. I personally learned a number of years ago that too much design in a bedroom could be a hindrance to your love life. After watching Brian McKnight’s segment on MTV’s “Cribs” (I also watch a lot of PBS, mind you), I decided to buy an electric piano and place it at the foot of my bed. Mr. McKnight’s reason for the decoration was something to the effect of: “when I wake up next to the inspiration that is a beautiful woman, I just have to run to my piano and wake her up with a gorgeous song.” My reason for the decoration was my then young and highly naïve philosophy that “however an R&B singer do, that’s how EtG do.” Fortunately, I abandoned this philosophy after the whole “R-Kelly-putting-his-penis-in-a-teenager” controversy.














Don't do as this man has done.

Nevertheless, the piano did not last, as the only song I knew how to play was the theme to “Beverly Hills Cop.”

I have since opted for a simpler bedroom style. To give you a sense: I have a nice bed, a chest of drawers made of oak, a wicker desk with a typewriter on it, a framed autographed photo of Robert Palmer, two Victorian-era portraits (one of a gentleman and the other of his lady (or wench)) on the wall, and a sex swing.

I jest. I don’t have a typewriter.

But to answer your question: Keep it simple, don’t put anything salacious in there – like a mirror on the ceiling or the aforementioned swing – and keep it as clean as possible. If your lady is sloppy by nature, that’s her gig. As a Gentleman, you should always be the pillar of cleanliness and decorum… that is, until you get her into your bed, you hellcat you.


INTERNET COURTING

I will admit, I have never believed much in using services like “match.com,” “okcupid” and craigslist to meet a new lass. I begged Erik Wachmeister to expand his elitist asmallworld network into the realm of online dating, but he didn’t want the Missoni sisters to be hounded by eager gadabouts.



















"Margherita the Gentleman" has a nice ring to it.

Normally, I prefer meeting women through friends, at croquet matches or during times of peril (such as an earthquake, a Hun invasion, a Doobie Brothers concert, etc.). However, when there are no croquet matches or disastrous events to speak of, sometimes a Gentleman must use all necessary avenues to find himself a new lady.

As this is my current case, I have decided to give Match.com another try. The first time I used this service proved to be interesting, if not comical, as I discovered that the majority of “winks” I received - which are the non-verbal messages you send to someone you find “cute” or “doable” - were from women who were, how should we put this, zoftig. I only managed to go on two dates arranged through match - both of whom were considerably leaner than my “winkers” – and although the dates were fun, a car accident occurred on my block, where I met a distraught Argentinean equestrian who would eventually become my girlfriend.

Now that I am single once again, I have given Match.com another shot. Although I don’t profess to be an expert on courting a girl on the Internet, I can at least show you what is the best way to do this without coming across as a total penis.

PROFILE

When filling out the “about you” portion of your profile, it is inadvisable to begin it with “The one thing I DO know is I hate answering this question,” or “I feel infinitely better about myself since being released from Charenton."

As with our earlier bedroom matter, keeping it simple is best. Sadly, I failed to abide to my own advice. This is what I wrote:

“Why hello there, fair viewer! You caught me by surprise: I was preparing this delicious duck à l’orange that I was going to serve with braised swiss chard and a sublime bottle of Beaujolais and wouldn’t you know, I had no one to share it with. :’(

Well, since you’re here, I might as well give you a brief introduction: My name is Edward the Gentleman, and I am originally from London, Manhattan, Biarritz, East Hampton, The Gambia, Minsk, and Lichtenstein (my father may or may not have been a CIA agent, we’re not entirely sure).

I enjoy playing squash and croquet, a nice pimms cup, a fantastic pair of white trousers worn with a cashmere jacket, yachts, snowmobiles, Australian Shepherds (the dog, not the actual kind), a rare Florentine steak, a journey along the mountains of Bulgaria, and what’s most important: the company of an exquisite woman.

“And what makes an exquisite women?” you may be asking your computer screen right now?

As a seasoned Gentleman, I know an exquisite woman could be anyone, from a midwestern advertising account supervisor to an Australian chef. What matters most to me is that the Lady is not crass, is well-traveled, and is just sensible and decent.

Thank you for stopping by. Now if you’ll excuse me, my duck is getting cold.

Faithfully yours,
EtG

PS - Hutterites and Zoroastrians need not apply.”

Once again, I could have whittled it down.

Oh, they have you include a headline, which I just left as “EtG.” However, I came across one woman whose headline read, and I kid you not:

“Looking for a guy who doesn’t suck… unless I want you to… ;) ;)”

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Ladies, if a man were to have a headline that read “My honk needs a new pal, ladies! :P,” you would retch all over your computer, no? Well, this young woman’s headline almost influenced a similar response from me. And no, she wasn’t attractive.

That said: be polite and tasteful in your profile. I never saw the point of talking dirty or having a sexually forward presentation. The fun with sex, admittedly, is finding out within the third or fourth date that the seemingly reserved young woman you have been with is actually a ferocious hell-kitten. Indulging your prospective date with details on how much your genitals enjoy fellatio is a good way to solidify your bachelordom (or bachelorettedom).

As I am still relatively “wet behind the ears” in this regard, I wouldn’t be able to tell you what is the best way to court a woman via the internet. All I know is, you can send a wink at first, but you best be sending an email when that girl “winks” back at you. And when you do send her an email, try to show some evidence that you bothered to read her profile. If she says “I have four dogs,” hide your bewilderment that she does have four dogs and ask “what kind of dogs are they? They must all have kooky names, right?”

So, in short: keep it simple, keep it classy, keep it reserved, and enjoy yourself. Blind dates can either be remarkable fun or grueling torture. Either way, at least you’re making the effort to get yourself back in the game.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have cold duck to eat.

Stay chivalrous,
EtG