30-Minute Meal done handsomely

Fair Reader,

You may think I am kind of a fraudulent cook. I can assure you that despite how inconsistent I have been in offering you recipes on this blog, the only "fraudulent cooking" I am guilty of is the occasional false tax filing (I tried to write off all my grooming purchases in 2005, citing that"being handsome" was my profession).

So, to remedy this, I will provide one recipe or cooking tip per week in addition to the longer column I normally have. This way, you can learn on how to be a Gent AND a cook, all from the convenience of your work computer (or "spank computer" for those of you who are not working).

Now, my thoughts on cooking are simple: A meal's preparation should never be rushed. I am not one for those "30-minute meals", as that particular methodology often forsakes fresh ingredients and careful preparation for canned food and "sonic" utensils.

If you can't cut broccoli with a straight blade, then you are fucking imbecile.

I will not be going the way of a certain overcaffeinated Muppet/chef (Rachel Ray cough cough) to give you a stoup recipe that calls for a can of Campbell's Sirloin Burger soup, a cup of popcorn, plenty of "EVOO," and several cloying exclamations of "Oh my gravy!" Instead, I will give you a simple recipe to please you and the lady of your affection.

It's unfair to call Rachel Ray an "overcaffeinated Muppet." She is more like "an exceedingly likable Fraggle."

Seared Tuna with Cucumber Salad dressed with Ginger, Cilantro, Mint and Rice Wine Vinegar Dressing

This is one of the easiest recipes to do, especially for those of you who are impatient cooks. The salad is a recipe from the book Happy Days with the Naked Chef, authored by everyone's favorite lisping chef, Jamie Oliver. The salad and its delicious dressing adds a nice, asian-inspired punch of flavor to the tuna.

For the Tuna

* 3/4-to-1lb piece of tuna steak, cut into two equal log shapes
* 1 teaspoon of either Grape Seed oil or Olive Oil.

For the Salad

* 2 cucumbers
* 1 small bunch of cilantro
* 1 small bunch of mint

For the Dressing

* 6 tablespoons of Olive Oil
* 3 tablespoons of Rice Wine Vinegar
* 1 teaspoon of sugar
* 1 large thumb-sized piece of ginger, peeled and finely grated
* 1 stick of lemon grass, outer leaves removed, inner ones finely chopped (you can find lemon grass at any Garden of Eden location throughout Manhattan).
* sea salt, freshly ground black pepper
* 1 garlic clove, finely grated (optional - this is not in the original recipe but I think it helps)

For the Tuna
Heat the oil in a non-stick pan. When the oil begins to sizzle, place both tuna pieces and brown on both sides (2 minutes total cooking time for rare; 3-4 minutes total cooking time for medium rare). Remove from pan and place both pieces on a paper towel.

For the Salad
If you have a mandolin, by all means use it. But if you're like me and have only the basic of kitchen utensils, a carrot peeler makes for a fine substitute.

Wrong mandolin, brah

Peel the skin off of the cucumber and then, using whatever device, thinly peel both cucumbers until you have several very fine strips. Place the strips on both plates. Tear up some pieces of mint and cilantro and sprinkle it over them.

After combining all the ingredients for the dressing in a bowl, whisk and then drizzle it generously over the salad.

Cut the tuna into nice-sized square pieces and - to the best of your capabilities - arrange each plate in a presentable manner. Your lady will certainly take notice. You can also lightly drizzle the tuna with the ginger dressing, should you wish.

There you go, a simple dish that is both easy to prepare and sure to please whoever you choose to cook for.

Have a great weekend and until next time, stay chivalrous.

EtG

Girl, u actv8 my <3 4eva

I recently received this curiously-worded email in my Match.com inbox from user “cholo_cuelo88”. Instead of explaining it to you – if that is humanly possible - perhaps I should just let it speak for itself:

Am lkng 4 sum1 2 B my BF, nawty o nice ;-)
A poem 4 u
If dreams were dreams and dreams came true i wouldnt be ere id be with u distance is 1 thing that keeps us apart but always and 4eva u will be in my heart.




















"¿que escribas?"

As you would expect, I did not reply to this email as I had not a bloody clue as to how to decipher it. Instead, I forwarded it to an old friend in Boston, Patty O’Sullivan, who sent me his blunt interpretation:

“Dude, I read it, and I think she wants you to bang her in the butt.”

As I normally doubt his interpretations – and as I am not one for a random butt-banging of an MS 13 gang member - I have decided to pass on responding to cholo_cuelo88’s email.

The reason why I share this email with you – other than with the hope of finding a translator - is that I am sometimes at a loss at how people word their emails and SMS texts. I am fine with a lady using abbreviations in emails for the sake of time conservation, but I insist that a Gentleman write his words out properly and in its entirety when sending an email. An email with the words “u r so inspir8ional 2 me” in it makes it look less like a love letter and more like the lyrics to a Jodeci track. Perhaps today’s women are more lenient with how their emails are worded; but I think all women appreciate the extra effort a Gentleman takes in sending his lady a properly spelled, grammatically correct email. So instead of writing “what r u up 2 2night,” you can say:

“Hello my sweet,

My evening plans are suddenly looking slim and I was wondering if you were available, perhaps for a quick supper or a quick drink, or both? It would be nice to spend some time with you.

I hope to hear from you soon, my dove,
(insert your name)”

You don’t have to call her “my dove,” but you get the idea.

In the case of SMS texts: yes, it can be annoying to type out complete words, especially if your cell phone looks like this:


















But once again, any effort you make to spell a word properly won’t go unnoticed by your woman. So instead of saying “LOL! U r 2 fny,” you can write this instead:

“By jove, you’ve got a wicked sense of humor on you! You just made me laugh aloud.”

Silly, yes, but your lady will respect you for it… or as I always concede, she may just say “whatevs, ur such a tool.” But at least you’re abiding by my newly trademarked “Code of Chivalry™” (formerly known as “The Way of The Amateur Gentleman”).

More to follow later this week. Until then, stay chivalrous.

EtG

"EtG seeks eligible, semite-friendly lady." :P

Since last week’s post, I received a lot of emails from readers who were surprised to learn that I was a fan of “The Hills.” Actually, that’s a lie. I received not a single email. In fact, I seldom receive emails or comments from “fans.” On the occasions that I do, I proudly display them on my posts for all to see, like placing my child’s “A+” essay on Benjamin Franklin’s wild whorish ways on my refrigerator. As I am unable to see my lone - albeit illegitimate - child, Rodrigo Hayek-the Gentleman, or his homework, I have yet to experience the alleged pride one feels when placing his boy’s paper between a magnet and a fridge. I thank those readers who do leave comments for giving me the honor of receiving them.

But I did receive an email from a Mr. I Ziering, who writes:
“Dearest EtG, I was curious to hear your thoughts on how dramatic a Gentleman could decorate his bedroom without appearing to be a sleazy knob?”

My response:

Your bedroom mustn’t be too dramatic in decoration. I personally learned a number of years ago that too much design in a bedroom could be a hindrance to your love life. After watching Brian McKnight’s segment on MTV’s “Cribs” (I also watch a lot of PBS, mind you), I decided to buy an electric piano and place it at the foot of my bed. Mr. McKnight’s reason for the decoration was something to the effect of: “when I wake up next to the inspiration that is a beautiful woman, I just have to run to my piano and wake her up with a gorgeous song.” My reason for the decoration was my then young and highly naïve philosophy that “however an R&B singer do, that’s how EtG do.” Fortunately, I abandoned this philosophy after the whole “R-Kelly-putting-his-penis-in-a-teenager” controversy.














Don't do as this man has done.

Nevertheless, the piano did not last, as the only song I knew how to play was the theme to “Beverly Hills Cop.”

I have since opted for a simpler bedroom style. To give you a sense: I have a nice bed, a chest of drawers made of oak, a wicker desk with a typewriter on it, a framed autographed photo of Robert Palmer, two Victorian-era portraits (one of a gentleman and the other of his lady (or wench)) on the wall, and a sex swing.

I jest. I don’t have a typewriter.

But to answer your question: Keep it simple, don’t put anything salacious in there – like a mirror on the ceiling or the aforementioned swing – and keep it as clean as possible. If your lady is sloppy by nature, that’s her gig. As a Gentleman, you should always be the pillar of cleanliness and decorum… that is, until you get her into your bed, you hellcat you.


INTERNET COURTING

I will admit, I have never believed much in using services like “match.com,” “okcupid” and craigslist to meet a new lass. I begged Erik Wachmeister to expand his elitist asmallworld network into the realm of online dating, but he didn’t want the Missoni sisters to be hounded by eager gadabouts.



















"Margherita the Gentleman" has a nice ring to it.

Normally, I prefer meeting women through friends, at croquet matches or during times of peril (such as an earthquake, a Hun invasion, a Doobie Brothers concert, etc.). However, when there are no croquet matches or disastrous events to speak of, sometimes a Gentleman must use all necessary avenues to find himself a new lady.

As this is my current case, I have decided to give Match.com another try. The first time I used this service proved to be interesting, if not comical, as I discovered that the majority of “winks” I received - which are the non-verbal messages you send to someone you find “cute” or “doable” - were from women who were, how should we put this, zoftig. I only managed to go on two dates arranged through match - both of whom were considerably leaner than my “winkers” – and although the dates were fun, a car accident occurred on my block, where I met a distraught Argentinean equestrian who would eventually become my girlfriend.

Now that I am single once again, I have given Match.com another shot. Although I don’t profess to be an expert on courting a girl on the Internet, I can at least show you what is the best way to do this without coming across as a total penis.

PROFILE

When filling out the “about you” portion of your profile, it is inadvisable to begin it with “The one thing I DO know is I hate answering this question,” or “I feel infinitely better about myself since being released from Charenton."

As with our earlier bedroom matter, keeping it simple is best. Sadly, I failed to abide to my own advice. This is what I wrote:

“Why hello there, fair viewer! You caught me by surprise: I was preparing this delicious duck à l’orange that I was going to serve with braised swiss chard and a sublime bottle of Beaujolais and wouldn’t you know, I had no one to share it with. :’(

Well, since you’re here, I might as well give you a brief introduction: My name is Edward the Gentleman, and I am originally from London, Manhattan, Biarritz, East Hampton, The Gambia, Minsk, and Lichtenstein (my father may or may not have been a CIA agent, we’re not entirely sure).

I enjoy playing squash and croquet, a nice pimms cup, a fantastic pair of white trousers worn with a cashmere jacket, yachts, snowmobiles, Australian Shepherds (the dog, not the actual kind), a rare Florentine steak, a journey along the mountains of Bulgaria, and what’s most important: the company of an exquisite woman.

“And what makes an exquisite women?” you may be asking your computer screen right now?

As a seasoned Gentleman, I know an exquisite woman could be anyone, from a midwestern advertising account supervisor to an Australian chef. What matters most to me is that the Lady is not crass, is well-traveled, and is just sensible and decent.

Thank you for stopping by. Now if you’ll excuse me, my duck is getting cold.

Faithfully yours,
EtG

PS - Hutterites and Zoroastrians need not apply.”

Once again, I could have whittled it down.

Oh, they have you include a headline, which I just left as “EtG.” However, I came across one woman whose headline read, and I kid you not:

“Looking for a guy who doesn’t suck… unless I want you to… ;) ;)”

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Ladies, if a man were to have a headline that read “My honk needs a new pal, ladies! :P,” you would retch all over your computer, no? Well, this young woman’s headline almost influenced a similar response from me. And no, she wasn’t attractive.

That said: be polite and tasteful in your profile. I never saw the point of talking dirty or having a sexually forward presentation. The fun with sex, admittedly, is finding out within the third or fourth date that the seemingly reserved young woman you have been with is actually a ferocious hell-kitten. Indulging your prospective date with details on how much your genitals enjoy fellatio is a good way to solidify your bachelordom (or bachelorettedom).

As I am still relatively “wet behind the ears” in this regard, I wouldn’t be able to tell you what is the best way to court a woman via the internet. All I know is, you can send a wink at first, but you best be sending an email when that girl “winks” back at you. And when you do send her an email, try to show some evidence that you bothered to read her profile. If she says “I have four dogs,” hide your bewilderment that she does have four dogs and ask “what kind of dogs are they? They must all have kooky names, right?”

So, in short: keep it simple, keep it classy, keep it reserved, and enjoy yourself. Blind dates can either be remarkable fun or grueling torture. Either way, at least you’re making the effort to get yourself back in the game.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have cold duck to eat.

Stay chivalrous,
EtG

Hills No-No

I - like the millions of others who were watching MTV that fateful night - witnessed one of the more horrifying displays of embarrassing and grotesque behavior I had ever seen. It was an occurrence that left me feeling powerless, nauseous, and utterly stunned.

I am, of course, speaking of Meathead Derek’s unpolished and pathetic attempt to court Lauren Conrad in the latest installment of “The Hills.”

I will admit, “The Hills” is an occasional guilty pleasure of mine. I say “occasional” as during this particular occasion, I was dealing with a nagging case of insomnia. Call it “pre-Handsome-Man-Game jitters” or “too many glasses of schnapps at supper,” or even “lamenting the fact EtG was still without Lady, so he decided to drink too many glasses of schnapps at his local bowling alley bar” (I am still away from the city).
However you may define it, I still found myself unable to sleep at 12:30 am. So, I turned on the TV to see if I could catch a repeat of the MTV Video Music Awards. What I got instead was a remarkable display of overeager courting and downright frightening “flirting.”

In this episode, our beleaguered-yet-lovely heroine, Lauren, decides to go on a double date with Audrina, her lovely yet bubble-headed roommate, and their manslapper of a personal trainer (although that sounds redundant), Jarrett. Jarrett agreed to bring his friend Derek, who is a personal trainer/manslapper himself and who may very well be – to put it gently – a murderous twat.

And this is how the date unfolds:

The two girls arrive at the fashionable Lola to find both men sitting down at their table. The girls say hi, Jarrett fumbles in his seat but does not stand up to greet Audrina or Lauren. As a result, Lauren has to awkwardly shake his hand and Audrina has to bend down to kiss him on the cheek. For that, he receives -5 chivalry points from EtG.

As for Derek: he remains frozen at his seat for a few moments, then when Lauren comes around to his side of the table to say hi, he stands up, says “how are you baby?” then hugs her (apparently the girls know him after taking one of his allegedly creepy boot camp classes). This, my fair readers, is a debatable no-no. As he only knows her casually, and as this is technically a “blind date,” he should have simply just kissed her on the cheek. To hug a girl at this stage in the game could come across as an overeager move. For that, he receives -9 chivalry points.

Derek first asks Audrina where she is originally from (Orange County), then goes on to tell Lauren how New Jersey is different from New York, explaining there is “a lot of a constructional (sic) thing going on,” before trailing off and letting his words disappear in a vapor of utter dumb-fuckery. Lauren saves him by cutely commenting on his Michigan State t-shirt. Before I continue, let me give him an additional -4 points for his wardrobe. I am a firm believer in that you at least wear a button-down shirt, or something else that is presentable, on your first date. As you may remember the advice from my dear Mother, Renata, “you only get one chance to make a first impression.” What that roughly translates into is “DON’T dress like you’re going to either a Six-Flags Great Adventure or a 4-stripper bachelor party in Talinn.”

"These whores are totally going to dig my 'Cougar Bait' t-shirt from Old Navy, Brah!"

If you are to wear a t-shirt while on a blind date, never confess to your companion how remarkably cheap your remarkably cheap-looking t-shirt was when you bought it from a thrift store. Unfortunately, our man(slapper) Derek failed to heed to this advice, going on to defend his cheap shirt and saying that “thrift store shops have t-shirts that cost like $60 bucks.” Not a very engaging topic of conversation, if you ask me. “Isn’t it weird how a t-shirt costs, like, 40 cents one year and the next it’s worth $60?” Derek asks his “enthused” date. Yes, appreciation works in funny ways, you Axe-wearing manslapper you. You know what, just for having me explain why t-shirts are worthless as blind date accoutrements and conversational pieces, Derek gets an additional -120 chivalry points.

They move the date to Les Deux, which is “hopping” with bottle service, scantily clad bitties, and more knock-off Louis Vuitton bags than a Chinatown counterfeit factory. The girls and their two knuckleheaded, possibly queer dates are squished together in a VIP section of sorts. And call it “one-too-many vodka and gak sniffs” or “just being a straight-up schlong,” Derek decides to unleash his A-game.

Terrible Move #1

Over the din of the bumping club, Derek drunkenly puts his arm around Lauren (which is kind of a no-no) and slurs into her ear: “I kind of like you more than everyone I’ve ever met.” Now, I don’t blame him for saying that. He has Lauren Conrad sitting next to him, which could mean either:
a) he could potentially date a pretty, headstrong and ambitious young woman, or

b) he could potentially get a recurring role on “The Hills.”

But for the love of God, man, keep it in your pants! Be you drunk or not, showing any signs of eagerness this early in the date is a great way to ensure that you will be spending the tail-end of your evening masturbating to your DVD copy of the first season of “The Hills." For that, -400 chivalry points.

Terrible Move #2

After Lauren kindly shrugs off his first terrible move, Derek attacks again, this time venturing lower than I would have never imagined possible.

“What if I can’t stop thinking about you?” he asks her. “Is that a bad thing? In a non-psychotic way.” Yes, it’s called obsession. It can get you a restraining order or an appearance on Rikki Lake.

“Maybe I’m psychotic? Maybe I murdered some people, but…”

Erm.... pardon? Did you just say the word "murder?" My friend, if women had the ability to get a boner, this is what you would technically refer to as being their "boner poison."

The only way I can respond to this is as such:

If you are a murderer, you should probably turn yourself into the authorities to prevent future murders. We don’t want the LAPD to discover parts of Lauren or Audrina floating in the Los Angeles River, God forbid.

But for the love of all that’s holy, man, show more self-respect! You’ve managed to completely sabotage your chances with a beautiful woman. Yet again, it wasn’t as though your chances with the girl were on sure footing to begin with. Either way, you’re come out of this date looking like a complete schmuck. For your entire performance, I award thee -700 chivalry points.

Audrina, being the ever-reliable friend, senses that Lauren may be murdered and asks her, “Lauren. I’m gonna go pee. You have to go pee?” (Audrina: -75 Lady points).
They retreat to the ladies room to “powder their noses” and Derek is left glowing in his seat, asking his friend/secret boyfriend Jarrett if it’s “too early to propose?” Suffice it to say, the only “proposing” this fellah is going to be doing is asking his friend Jarrett to join him in the sauna after a hot workout.












"Hey brah, your quad feels pretty tight."
"That ain't my quad, brah."

Now for EtG's take:

When meeting a new person who captures your fancy, if not your heart, it is always wise to heed to these three simple tenets:

1) Slow and steady wins the race
2) Cooler heads prevail
3) One day at a time.

It’s very easy to let our imaginations and loins get the best of us in these situations. We meet this wonderful new person who has all the charm, grace, and looks you could ever ask for, and all you want to do is get very romantic with her/him. And you should, as passion is both unavoidable and fantastic. But in terms of instantly considering this person for marriage or a long-term relationship or just trying to hammer in the deal after the first night, a majority of the time that can be a grave mistake. A Gentleman always paces himself, and that goes as much with courting as it does with eating, unless of course, you are a Gentlemanly competitive eater.


You could fall instantly in love with someone, but you must not show it. There is such a thing as discretion, and keeping your passions and your intentions in your heart and head – as difficult as that may be – until the right moment arises is always the best way to go. So in the meantime: Smile, laugh, be charming, enjoy the company of your potential loved one, and I beg you, please don’t say anything to your date about possibly being a murderer. That's such a douche-bag move.

Oh, and my final scoring for the show comes out to this:

Jarret: -5 Chivalry points
Derek: -1233 Chivalry points
Audrina: -75 Lady points


Until next time, stay chivalrous,

EtG