When Giving a Wedding Speech

Fair Reader,

Wedding season is on the wane in these parts, but I was able to participate in two weddings in as many months. The first wedding was for our dear old friend Luke Antonio Wormgold, who was marrying his lovely lass of seven years, Laura Dellman, at her family home in Martha's Vineyard, MA. He asked me to be one of his groomsman. I damn well should have been, considering I've known that ingrate since he was growing his first moustache at the age of 5. The second one was for my friend Tassos Alexander, a Grecian with whom I've been friends with since our University days. In this instance, he asked me to be his best man for his wedding at The 21 Club. I eagerly accepted, as both he and the 21 club were dear to my heart.

Both instances required me to prepare a simple speech - one for Luke's rehearsal dinner/clambake and the other for Tassos' actual wedding. The groomsman/best man speeches I've seen in the past ranged from the conservative to the bloody awful. At a wedding in Mexico, one groomsman shared his story of being electrocuted in the genitals by the groom while they were staying at a paraplegic's home in Brazil, using the paraplegic's muscle stimulator for the deed. It was terrible, if not terribly hysterical, to witness.

To open each speech, I decided to use an embarrassing anecdote in the hopes of warming up to the crowd. Fortunately, I have yet to shock either genitals of both friends, nor hope to do so in the past, so my anecdotes were infinitely more presentable. Here is how I broke it down:

FOR LUKE: I witnessed Luke getting his back waxed by Laura one time while I was over at his family home in Southampton. He does not have a hairy back in the slightest, but I suppose he disagreed with a few faint hairs on his side. I was there to witness it, and I pledged to never bring it up again. So of course it made for the perfect intro to my wedding speech.

FOR TASSOS: One time during our Sophomore year at University, we were sharing a boozy dinner at a blues bar/grill. EtG, perhaps after one too many jack and gingers, said to Tassos, "you know old chap, you seem to have such fun as a single man, I don't think I'll ever see you getting married." Tassos took offense to this. When our waitress suddenly came to pick up our dishes, Tassos said, "so, according to the man who was convicted for beating his girlfriend seventeen times, I will never be married." The waitress shot me a horrified look, and would never look at me the same way again for the rest of the evening.
Of course I opened with this anecdote, adding, "now, ten years later, Alex is to be a married man, and I don't even have a girlfriend to beat." It took some gall to do this, I admit, but the crowd laughed.

I then threw in some other comical bits. For Luke, I made a nod to his current role as a criminal investigator for a government agency (name redacted). For instance:
"Luke has encountered more criminals and abused children than R. Kelly." That line actually garnered some "BOOOS", and perhaps rightly so.

For Tassos, I made mention of his affection for KangaROOS sneakers and Mets t-shirts, saying that he would make for a fashionable husband. I did not speak of his love for ecstacy-fueled rave parties or South Korean pornography.

For the concluding lines, I decided to veer away from the smug jokes and focus more on a few heartfelt truths. In Herr Wormgold's speech, I made mention of the fact that he could work such an at-times bleak job in crime enforcement and somehow be the happiest chap I know. This was so because of Laura, which is the honest truth.

For Tassos, I spoke about the time I joined him to his grandmother's memorial service one sad winter day. At the service was a photo of his grandmother and grandfather, taken at some time in the 1930s. They were standing on the beach, looking absolutely splendid. I said that Tassos and his bride, the lovely Marnie, were a carbon copy of that photo. Although were one to take that today, Tassos would most likely be flashing a ghetto pose and the couple would be on some beach in the Dominican Republic. But the eternal love for one another would still be there.

The speeches went well, and in the case of the Wormgold wedding, it certainly didn't hurt in getting me a lass at the end of the evening.

And that, I pray, is a genteel way of delivering a wedding speech:

1) open with humorous annecdote
2) steer away from smug jokes
3) end with heartfelt closer
4) Pull a nice looking bird while you both get down to the wedding band's cover of "Get Down On It"

A presto,

EtG