Barça/Man U Live blog

Fair Reader,

As I am home sick with a cold, I have decided to behave like an actual blogger (write throughout the day in my flat with a scotch in my hand and a fine velvet robe around my person). One of my favorite football clubs, Barça, is playing the wretched Red Devils of Manchester United in the Champions League Final. Below are my thoughts of the Second Half and beyond:

3:40 - ESPN cuts from the thrilling first half to a commercial for an upcoming MLS match. It's like cutting from this:

...to this:


3:47 - Sir Alex Ferguson places Carlos "Fuerte Apache" Tévez in the line-up for the second half. This could be trouble for Barça, as Tévez is known for his ferocious speed and foot, and for his undying hatred of hobbits. Fellow countryman Messi may be fucked.

Tevez

3:51 - A beautiful sequence that almost resulted in another near-goal by Messi. Messi may have been tripped in the process, but the ref could not care less as he is probably from Madrid. Puto.

3:58 - Carles Puyol's hair should be considered the gold standard of footballer's hairstyles throughout the world. None of these pooftah faux-hawks that Ronaldo et al are so keen to sport. A footballer should look like a roadie for Anvil, not like a cokehead from Antwerp.


4:03 - To add - the ref is letting both teams play and do so roughly. Ref is actually Swiss Massimo Busacca. He enjoys tennis and skiing in his spare time. From the looks of it, he is not a puto. You can learn more about him here.

4:13 - MESSSSSSIIIIIIII scores just a gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous goal. And Ronaldo misses an easy goal. The Football gods are too kind sometimes. Messi has the feet of God, the head of God, the moves of God, and the height of God. In short, God is a hobbit.

4:36 Barcelona are champions. Pray to God (or to Messi, basically the same thing) that no one gets stabbed during the celebrations.

4:38 - "As we speak, Rome is burning. It has been set ablaze by the Catalan conquerers." Strange to hear such poetry from the ESPN commentators. But a fitting way to conlcude this game.

4:48 - How on earth did interpol allow that smug, lascivious criminal into the Stadio Olimpico? Of course I'm speaking of Silvio Burlosconi. Am surprised he did not disappear into a red cloud of smoke upon touching the divine hand of Messi.

4:51 - FC Barcelona raises the cup, and I haven't felt this good since Maury Povitch told me that my ex-girlfriend's pregnancy wasn't a result of my handiwork.

4:58 - As I am of the chosen faith, I have devised a new prayer that may very well be blasphemy incarnate:

Sh'ma Barça,
Messi Eloheinu
Messi Echad

Hear, O Barça,
The Messi our God,

The Messi is one.

Forgive me, Rabbi Luban

A presto,
EtG